Monday, July 17, 2006

Frustrated at nothing... or maybe its myself.

Sometimes I feel like life is just designed to frustrate me. I don’t know what it is, other than my own stupidness, but really I get just so aggravated trying to make everything work out just right. When it doesn’t I get just,….. arrrrgh. I know, I know. Nothing I’m fucking rambling about even makes sense. That’s fine. I keep this blog to firstly rant and rave about all my internet and movie geekyness, but also, I want there to be a personal element to this blog. I don’t want to be faceless, I want to feel like someone is fucking reading this. I want to be Hawsome. Am I really that self-indulgent? Yes. Probably. I don’t know. Fuck

I mean does it matter even if I make sense? Sometimes I don’t think so. And then when I do write something honest, people ask me if I’m ok? Am I ok? I mean really? Are you serious? Are you ok? It's life that’s screwed up man, not me…

And there’s nothing even going on to work me up, you know. Its all bullshit. I was listening to The Bitterest Pill podcast today. If you don’t know it go check it out. I was listening to episode #82, and Dan is leaving the show for a bit. I got it. I really did. Don’t look at me like that, just go listen to his show. It's actually real. He’s been struggling with some censorship issues; self-censorship, social censorship, problems with his family, his wife… it's screwed up. A few episodes ago he was talking about this article he’d read; I think it was in Wired. Doesn’t matter, anyhow it was an article on “the top 10 reasons why your blog sucks” and the main reason. Number fucking 1 with a bullet, "your not willing to go the distance, to sacrifice, and tell the truth and alienate your work, you job, your friends or family. Why is that?

Why is it that everyone can think something but as soon as you say it its screwed up? And you’re a bastard for voicing everyones secret thoughts!? It doesn’t make sense to me. Never did.

I wrote Dan an email like seriously, one of those epic, heartfelt, “Hey man you don’t know me BUT…” emails dig? It was a really serious thing and pretty difficult for me to write honestly. And just when I finished, what should happen? I click Send, and uh oh - Server Error; Try Again? Fuck. No Internet connection. Back, Back… but it's too late, Back only takes you to the Yahoo login page. And just like that: it’s gone. So god damned frustrating.

Then I got into a conversation with my mom, 'cause I’m staying at my parents house tonight, about my sister. I love her, I really do, but I feel a bit frustrated by her sometimes; and I don’t think she even knows it. Well, I’m not sure if I gave her this blog address… she might know it now. Jeez, people, no. I’m not about to say some stupid crap about my sister, she is really way on the whole an awesome amazing person. I’m just frustrated with her travel plans. And mostly that’s my fault. Basically she’s coming down from Vancouver to visit, theoretically both me and my parents. Unfortunately she’s also coming for a “real” vacation. Not just a family vacation. And yes, you know as well as I do that there’s a difference. Ugh, I JUST had this conversation, I don’t want to have it again. Basically I’m just a bit pissed off at myself for canceling plans for next weekend so that we can hang out with her. Cat if you’re reading this sorry. I don’t mean that to sound harsh, or be ANY kind of reflection on you. I love you. And I want to hang out with you. I think I’m just frustrated by the fact that sometimes I feel like my entire Calendar, my entire life feels prescribed to me by other people. Or honestly worse than that, by myself, but without ANY room to move. I also think that maybe when you (or anyone) comes to visit they should do one or the other; either family time, or personal “real” vacation time. Mixing the two gets complicated. I know I will have fun hanging out with you, but I wish it didn’t have to be on your schedule. Especially because it was last minute. And seriously calm down. I realize that it is completely MY fault. And E and I CAN do what we want. I’m not trying to put blame on you, I’m sorry I know it sounds like I am. God damnit, do you see how things just can’t come out right here?

It's hot here tonight, I hate staying down the peninsula when its so hot. The city is much nicer. Cooler, even with the damned fog. I feel like I’m completely struggling with words here. Nothing even makes sense. NO I’m not ok. Of course not. But Fuck leave it alone; I’m not breaking here, I’ll call you if I am. Seriously. This is just me, my neurosis, and a keyboard. Fantastic isn’t it…

Screw it. I need to go watch some tv or something. Turn off. Maybe have a beer. Even though I feel more like going for a run. Beer, then sleep is better, or at least more “appropriate”. I’ll be cool in the morning.

Here's a song I really like. although I guess technically it is about recognizing the Lies around us, not everything has to have some deep meaning. Sheesh...


Dan Klass said...

Thanks for the mention. I'm back, finding ways to say what I want without regret. Half fiction full of truth, right? Maybe we can say even more when the lines are blurred.

Life is frustrating. Make lemonade with those lemons, or you'll just walk around with a sour look on your face.

- dK

Chappy said...

hi dan, thanks for the comment. I know you're back, I stayed subscribed, and I've been really enjoying the new shows.

It's great stuff, thanks for inspiring me. Here's hoping the videocast takes the world by storm too :)