Wednesday, October 25, 2006

still paying my dues

Yesterday I applied for a new job at a new company. It wasn't really a job I wanted, but it was a job I would've taken as at least it was in the city, so no more commute, and it possibly could lead to something more. Or at least that's what I told myself. And really, even though I've already 'paid my dues' at the company I'm at, if I can't move up here I will unfortunately have to move on and probably 'pay my dues' all over again. Man what if all I ever do, is get stuck 'paying my dues'??? That would really suck. I'll tell you though, I've made peace with the job I have. It may be a Joe job, but it's a pretty good Joe job, and I've got good benefits. Also, it's great company (which no I'm not going to name here), but I do wish/hope I could stay here. But since I can't handle living my life working this job forever, staying here may just not be possible.

So like I said, I applied to another job yesterday, and although it wasn't perfect I wasn't expecting the response I got. Within a few hours of sending my resume off to (I believe it was) the agency/headhunter firm managing the hiring, I got an email back saying: "Thanks for your application. Considering the other applicants, this is not the best fit. I wish you the best of success and satisfaction. " In a way I can see that it's actually quite courteous of the recruiter to send me that note so quickly and not leave me waiting forever as I end up most of the time after sending out my resume. This time however I just couldn't help feeling kinda crappy about the whole situation. I know that maybe it wasn't the right job for me, and I've no doubt the recruiter was right that there were probably far more appropriate candidates but it's just so frustrating being so eminently unmarketable, that people can reject me with this kind of immediacy.

I'm a smart enough guy, have decent social and writing skills. Perhaps a general lack of focus but I'm eager to work and learn. I'm basically a pretty decent all around kind of guy, and know that I would be a good person to employ in a number of situations. However the sort of general or I'm sure as some perceive it random skill set and experience I've acquired over the years does not lend itself to a particularly cohesive resume. In a city like San Francisco, that is a bit of a problem. On a whole, people here are more driven, focused, and highly skilled than anywhere I've ever been. You really have to be considering how expensive it is to live here. Particularly if you plan to stay, and raise a family, buy a house, etc. So the fact that I spent almost two years in Africa teaching while it makes for great conversation and is a nice point of interest on my resume, does not, and cannot compare to someone who spent those two years aggressively working in the competitive American market. Hence my unfortunate situation as a rounded, talented, and unmarketable individual.

Paying my dues, again and again. When I'm 35 I sure hope I can look back at this time and actually understand where I came from. I don't want to, nor would I want others, to trivialize it. Far too often I hear people, usually my successful peers/near elders who tell me that it'll all work out. I know that people are concerned, and for the most part just don't want me to get down on myself about this stuff, but regardless of if I find a way to break free of this due paying cycle or not, this time is important, and very very frustrating. I don't want to forget, how truly suckie feeling being stuck in a rut is. For some reason I think that's important too. Hopefully I'll get that opportunity.

Ok, I'd better get back to 'paying my dues'. It's not so bad being trapped down a hole, it just seems to take a really long time to dig myself out.

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